Too deep- too soon🎄

Dec 24, 2024

It is Christmas Tree Eve as I am writing this 😊🎄
Actually, early into the next day, as it takes me a long while to get these posts ready until upload.

My first personal post- meant to be about me- and not just the site...

Things have been very tumultuous for me lately; they always have. And while hearing that may set a somber tone, I hope you don't carry that feeling with you, visitor. I won't elaborate on my current issues, but I will provide a bit about the gist of my inner dilemma.

A little about me...

At first glance, I may come off as someone cold or unfeeling. I do my best to appear unphased and stalwart. But seldom is anyone truly so one-dimensional. I often require some sort of reason to divulge the many facets of my personality.

Expression

In my experience, expressing myself deeply has led to varying degrees of success- defined in terms of how well my intentions came across and how well they were met. Over time, I became reserved because it felt as if people didn't like who I was inside. They seemed more invested in who they thought I might be based on how I looked or their own expectations. I became picky as to who I expressed myself to. In the face of disapproval, I felt I would be more accepted if I said nothing. No, it was more that I didn't want to be a nuisance.

Creativity

Being creative and indulging my interests would prove to be helpful as an escape and as a way to make friends. It would take a long time before I realized any of this. This also created a problem for me. It felt as if my worth was intrinsically tied to my output. When I was left to express myself without a creative outlet, I found myself endlessly crtiqued as to how I should be. It felt as if my art was all that people cared about. It led me to keep it to myself. I pulled away and gave up on many things in my life.

Reason for this site

The creation of this site was a reaction to my dislike of social media. I tried it for a few years, and while the prospect of having somewhere to express myself was inticing, there were too many things I disliked greatly. The nature of how and what people reacted to. The limiting uniformity of the doom scrolling feed into the perfectly crafted lives next to the horrors of the world. It didn't feel good as a means to express what I truly wanted.

Neocities

Upon finding some sites on neocities that really spoke to me creatively, I had a renewed idea of how I'd like to express myself. It's essentially another round for me. So far, I just hope to share as much as I like of myself. Though I am still apprehensive about personal details, perhaps this will prove as an exercise for making that part easier.

Anyways

Anyways, I didn't mean to get too deep so soon. This personal page is intended to give insight into me personally. And I tend to be a big ol ball of introspection. I hope talking about my sad state of mind doesn't rub off. It's actually relieving for me. And again, as mentioned in the update: I'm not a festive person, and I doubt anyone at all is reading this today, but Happy Santa Tree! 😊🎉🎄